December 11, 2002 Times aren't tough, they're tedious

I distinctly remember telling my recruiter last year that I would go anywhere in the world they asked me to, as long as it was someplace where it never got cold. You'd think it would have been easy enough to put me in the Gobi desert or something. I'm freezing my nuts off up here and it isn't even January. I may not be able to bathe again until some time next spring.

There have been rumors going around for weeks that the United States is sending a few thousand troops to the DR to patrol the Haitian border. I couldn't find anything about this on the CNN website or any American media, but it's been reported in the Dominican papers. One guy in my town who's usually pretty smart told me that this was all part of the United States "War on Terrorism." When I asked him to elaborate on that theory he told me very seriously "Yes, the Haitians are terrorists. They sneak across the border at night and steal our bananas." About two weeks ago President Mejia himself made a public statement denying that any American troops were coming. Then a couple of days ago my personal friend, the US ambassador to the Dominican Republic, confirmed that they were. This was further confirmed the next day by the US ambassador to Haiti. What has been reported even in the US media is that the shit is hitting the fan in Haiti once again and my own unofficial sources tell me that Peace Corps Haiti may even be evacuated within the year. Then again, my official sources say that everything is fine and we will continue to work more with PC Haiti than we ever have before. But what do I know. I'm just a tool of the U.S. government.

So meanwhile, it's a good thing I got to go to spend some time in Port-au-Prince when I did. Rick, the guy that I went with, was supposed to write a long description of the trip for me to include with this dispatch, but unfortunately he's even lazier than I am. It would have been good though. The climax was the two of us piling into a car to go to a voodoo ceremony with a Jack-Mormon LAPD cop, a professor who claimed to be the US's foremost authority on voodoo rituals, a teenaged Haitian prostitute and a voodoo priest named Bob, all of whom we met in the hotel bar. The ceremony was for Gede, the voodoo deity of both death and eroticism, according to the professor, and included a traditional song sung by the men to the women about "the futility of washing one's pussy." (Sorry Mom and Dad. I'm just quoting the professor.)

As I'm writing this, one of the teachers from the elementary school is here giving one of her own patented computer classes to a group of seven kids. Yesterday's lesson was "change the screen saver." It looks like today's lesson is "play solitaire for an hour and leave me alone while I smoke a cigarette." This is basically my problem: there are teachers here who are being paid to give 'computer classes.' As far as computers go, these teachers don't know their asses from a hole in the ground. I know I could be doing a much better job, but as an unpaid volunteer I would be taking work away from them, which wouldn't do much for my standing in the community. Such as it is.

So now I'm only teaching one small group a week and looking for other things to keep me busy. The good news is that in the meantime I'm getting a lot of reading done. And between my free subscription to NEWSWEEK and news on the shortwave radio, I'm more well-informed about current events than I've ever been in my life. Want to know how the current situation in Iraq is affecting unfair business practices in the oil export market in Angola, and more specifically, its breakaway northern province of Cabinda' Go ahead, ask me.

People here have never even heard of the Beatles. Or the Rolling Stones. I mean they've never even heard the names. One or two have at least heard of Elvis. I know, I took a survey.

My first Dominican Thanksgiving has come and gone. Sorry Rod, no donkeys. All 140 DR volunteers got together in the capital for turkey and mashed potatoes, followed by a talent show. Maybe this will come as no surprise to most of you, but something like nine out of ten Peace Corps volunteers play acoustic guitar and are really into James Taylor. A lot of them are really good at hacky-sack, too.

I came back to Restauracion after Thanksgiving just in time to learn about a delightful Dominican holiday tradition: setting off cherry bombs all day and night. For the entire month of December until New Year's, they tell me. Anything to make just a little more noise, I guess. They're setting them off outside the window right now.

Yesterday I took a guagua to Dajabon, and the DJ on the radio was playing a game called "Que esta cocinando'" ('What's cooking'') So all these donas were calling in to tell the whole country what they were cooking for lunch that day. 'Well, today I'm making rice, and, let me see, what else... oh yes, beans. Rice and beans today.' This went on for a good fifteen minutes. When I got back to Restauracion I tried to explain the humor in this to the dona that does my laundry while she made me rice and beans for lunch, but she just didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did.

Josh has been medevaced in Washington DC for over a month now and they still don't know what's wrong with him. Some kind of serious intestinal problem. If they can't figure out and fix what's wrong with him soon he may have to leave Peace Corps and go home. Which means Chrisie will go home too and I'll be all alone. I mean except for the 4,000 Dominicans who also live here. And I just got word that two more members of my group were medevaced last week. At this rate there won't be anyone left by May 2004.

I hope everyone has a happy Christmas up there while remembering those who are less fortunate, like myself. Oh, and the poor people too. You should definitely remember the poor people. Send them some canned green beans or something. Poor people love those.